Losing You Read online

  Michaela

  James almost always had a reason for his actions, or at least he used to. So, why he continued to hurt me I did not know. He was practically chasing me all gym class and then he said that to me, purely to inflict pain. I was happy Derek was in my group yet again, but when he put his arm around my waist it felt weird and out of place. Like it didn’t belong there, it made me feel awkward and I was sad to admit, I never felt that way around James. With James, I was always comfortable and at ease, hanging off him or the other way around, the closer we were the more comfortable and safer I felt. I hadn’t felt that way since the day I went over and he said all those heart-breaking words to me. I had never seen it coming, I was completely blindsided. There was no way I could have predicted it ever happening but it did.

  I was at his house and we were sitting on his couch together watching TV, I was sitting curled up against him and he had his arm around my shoulders and then he got a call on his cell phone. I remember he left his arm around me and answered his phone. Halfway through the call, he removed his arm and shifted uncomfortably. I thought it was strange but I never questioned him about it. Later that night, I came back to his house and there was a Jeep parked in the driveway. Gert, Tiffany, Neil, and Brad were all there. I walked over to James, ignoring the looks of disgust they all gave me, including my step-sister.

  “Hi,” I said a little confused, “I thought we were watching a movie tonight,” I said wondering what they were all doing together. James rolled his eyes at his friends but I saw it and it hurt. “Unless you’re busy,” I added, completely taken aback. This was not like James; who was this person? Everyone but James laughed.

  “He’s busy,” Gertrude said, looking happy as I squirmed uncomfortably.

  “I was talking to James, Gert. Unless he’s lost his voice, he can answer for himself,” I said, pretending to be stronger than I felt.

  “I’m busy,” he answered, not looking at me but at the ground.

  “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked, not feeling sure of anything at this point.

  “Nope.” Gert smiled, shaking her head.

  “No Michaela,” he told me, saying my full name. He never said my full name and that’s when I knew this was serious and it was going to be bad.

  “Mick,” Reggie called, we were okay now after the smack, I had been grounded but not as bad as I had thought it would be. She came into my room wearing a bikini.

  “What are you doing Reg? Its November,” I said in disbelief.

  “Going to the pool. Now does this look good? I’d ask Gert but she’s out and so is Paix, so here we are,” she said doing her best to make me feel rejected and making it clear I was her last resort.

  “It’s okay but your black bikini looks better,” I told her honestly, as she twirled in her little, red, shiny number. She stopped mid-twirl.

  “You’re right. Surprisingly,” she agreed and left me to myself.

  “Honey,” dad called coming into my room. I jumped off my bike, after having done over an hour. Taking a towel and I wiped the sweat of my face.

  “Doing good,” he commented. “How do you feel about ice cream?” he asked.

  “Ice cream for dinner sounds great to me! Just like we used to.” I smiled at the memory of dad, James, and I.

  “Just like we used to, baby girl.” He smiled. Our favorite ice cream stand was a half-hour away but the drive was nice and the ice cream would be worth it.

  “What’cha getting darlin’?” he asked as we looked at the menu, not that we needed to, I always got the same thing.

  “The Chocolate Oreo Avalanche.”

  I smiled in delight, it had been so long and I was salivating just at the thought. He smiled and went to order while I snagged us a table. The place was pretty empty, there was only one older couple here, but then the bell on the door rang and more people entered. I didn’t bother looking, I was fixated on my iPod. So, when I heard an older man say, “Mickey! Fancy running into you here,” I was shocked to see Mr. and Mrs. Kirk, June and, unfortunately, James standing in front of me. I think they saw the surprise on my face.

  “Hi.” I smiled to all of them but James. “How are you all?” I asked politely, feeling incredibly awkward, unlike I used to around them.

  “We’re all doing good! We haven’t seen much of you around lately, you should stop by,” Mrs. Kirk said and I could tell she meant it and missed me too. I missed them all, they’d practically raised me. I nodded politely at her and smiled.

  “My, you’ve grown into quite the lady. I remember when you and James were small and inseparable,” Mr. Kirk complimented. I remembered too. I swallowed hard, finding it difficult.

  “Well, hello neighbors,” dad said, breaking the awkward tension surrounding us and passed me my ice cream. I took it and my spoon as he sat down. “Do you want to pull up a table?” he asked them. I nearly choked as he said it. “We’re just here for Mick’s birthday and wouldn’t mind extra company, as Tanya used to say, the more the merrier.” I couldn’t believe he’d just invited them to join us or that he was bringing up mom.

  “We’d love to,” Mrs. Kirk said cheerfully.

  “Great,” dad said, sharing a secret smile. June pushed another table up against ours. Mr. and Mrs. Kirk went up to order and both James and June sat down. James took the seat directly in front of me surprisingly. I took a bite of my delicious ice cream and let the flavors flow in my mouth and ignored James entirely.

  “How are you June, James?” dad asked them. “You started college, didn’t you, June?” he asked her.

  “Yeah I did, it’s not very fun, a lot more work but the classes are better.” She smiled. I looked up from my ice cream to sneak a peak at James but he sat there watching me. I couldn’t read his expression but I could tell that the one he had on was fake, which didn’t make much sense because he was frowning. His left eyebrow was the tiniest bit lower, that was his tell, I could always sense his lies by that eyebrow.

  “My James, you’ve become quite the handsome boy or, I guess, man now.” Dad laughed, slapping his knee, “Shoot, I forgot napkins, I’ll go get some, don’t say anything too interesting now.” He grinned, leaving us.

  “I better go help mom and dad carry everything,” June said exiting as well. I looked at the empty chairs and then at James.

  “We’ve been set up,” I announced, pissed, this was seriously about to ruin my eighteenth birthday.

  “Yep, I’m surprised they didn’t do it sooner. Two years, they sure waited long,” he responded, crossing his arms over his chest, looking bored.

  “It hasn’t been two years,” I told him, feeling very annoyed.

  “Yes, it has, we were sixteen then, now were eighteen. Two years,” he stated.

  “It’s been a year and eight months,” I corrected him and was mortified by how pathetic I must have sounded. James just looked at me and didn’t say anything. “So, you’re dating Laura now?” I asked, not thinking of anything else to say but needing to change the topic. He nodded, still watching me. “I thought she was Ali’s best friend. That’s kind of low, even for you,” I said, not trying to be mean but the words were just flowing from my mouth.

  “What can I say, I’m a jerk,” he admitted. I didn’t disagree like I would have when we were friends. Back then even if he was in the wrong, I always stood by him. “You sure you should eat all that?” he asked, trying to prove his point. I took one last bite and then threw the contents on him, he made me angry by looking pleased at my outburst.

  “Why did you have to change?” I asked, my eyes tearing up against my will. “I loved you,” I whispered without thinking and then made my run for it. I couldn’t believe I’d said that, even as I walked to dad who was chatting happily with Mr. Kirk, his ice cream finished. They all saw the tears coming from my eyes and all stopped conversing.

  “Dad, I’m ready to go,” I said through a shaky voice. “It was nice to see you all,” I managed to get out, pulling dad’s hand toward the exit. He ech
oed my bye and followed me out. We passed James who looked shell shocked and sat with the contents of my ice cream and fudge running down his shirt and onto his lap.

  “Bye James,” dad said in a clipped tone, looking angry. I continued to wipe at my eyes with the napkin dad had given me.

  “Did you all plan that?” I asked him in the car. He didn’t answer, and that was all the answer I needed.

  “How could you? And on my birthday! This has been the second worst birthday ever and only because mom and Miguel died on the other one!” I could tell my words hurt him. I saw him flinch beside me as he drove.

  “I’m sorry, it’s just been a long time baby girl, and we both noticed you guys have been sad ever since your little fight, we just thought…” He stopped himself short.

  “What? That you could make it all better? Is that what you thought because you can’t and for your information, it wasn’t a little fight, it was huge and I don’t want to be friends with him again and tonight just cemented that we never will be,” I said, the tears stopping and my anger coming out.

  “What happened between you two that was so bad?” dad asked, worried.

  “A lot, but basically Gert told him it was me or them, and he chose them,” I told him, pissed. How could she? She was my sister, well step-sister but still, how could she!

  “Gert, as in our Gert?” he asked, shocked into silence.

  “How many Gerts do you know?” I asked sarcastically. I’d spoken about it for the first time and it was to dad; I’d also tattled on Gert but I didn’t really care. Dad and I didn’t speak for the rest of the ride home, from the expression on his face he was horrified. Dad knocked on my door just as I was about to go to bed, he came in quietly and sat on the end of my bed.

  “I’m sorry I ruined your birthday,” he said, looking miserable.

  “No dad, you didn’t ruin it. You were just trying to help and that’s what matters, besides the crepes and ice cream was great, and I always love when it’s just the two of us,” I told him putting my hand on his.

  “I love you baby and I wish we could spend more time together but I’m going to London for a couple of days on business but when I get back, we’ll hang out just you and me and I’ll make up for your birthday. I promise.”

  “Okay, when are you leaving?” I asked feeling down, I hated it when he left.

  “Tomorrow but I’ll be back by next Friday latest, okay hon?” he asked.

  “As long as you’re safe.” I nodded. A part of me was always terrified he wouldn’t come back and he’d get into an accident but that was just my PTSD and anxiety.

  “Always, love you.” He kissed my forehead goodnight.

  “Love you too,” I said, closing my eyes. I fell asleep with the scene at the ice cream shop replaying in my head.

  James

  “James come on, we’re going for ice cream,” mom said, coming into my room, I lay on my bed still upset from what June had said.

  “I don’t want any,” I told her, not making any attempt to move.

  “Well, you’re still coming, so get up and let’s go,” she ordered, leaving. I got up and sulked all the way to the car.

  “Cheer up, grumpy gills,” June said, smiling. They were all smiling, weird. It was most strange that June was smiling, even after the massive fight we just had, we had never fought like that before, she sure seemed fine by it now. I walked into the shop and wanted to walk back out but it was too late, mom had already opened her mouth.

  “Mickey! Fancy running into you here,” she said not sounding surprised at all. I wanted to die on the spot. Mickey looked surprised as hell, she even shuddered when she saw me, happy birthday. Great, I thought.

  “Hi.” She smiled at them all, never looking at me. Ouch. I couldn’t believe they did this, I knew they missed her; I missed her but they didn’t have to make it creepy. When dad made that comment about us being inseparable, it made everything worse. We all remembered, I really wanted to disappear now, it was my fault and everyone knew it. Mickey looked very sad, making me feel even worse, she tucked her long brown hair behind her ears and swallowed hard. Mr. Lesage came, scaring me and breaking our awkward tension, he passed Mickey her Oreo Avalanche, it was her favourite and she took the spoon but didn’t dig in, instead she waited and continued to look at us.

  I was hoping that they wouldn’t join Mickey and her father and I was scared of mom’s answer. She was the one who was in charge here, dad always listened to her, as long as she was happy, so was he. They loved each other like crazy and it always made me feel bad for people whose parents were divorced when mine were so happy and in love. I was shocked as hell that Mr. Lesage spoke about Mickey’s mom, everyone knew it was a sore topic for her, she looked hurt, angry, and surprised all at once. Mom said that she would love to join them like nothing could make her happier and Mr. Lesage looked all too pleased as well.

  Mom and dad left to order our ice cream leaving me, June, Mr. Lesage, and Mickey. June pushed the tables together, I sat in front of Mickey while Mr. Lesage spoke to June and I. I wasn’t paying attention though, I was too busy watching Mickey. She looked pretty, her brown-blue eyes concentrating on her ice cream, every once in a while her beautiful eyes would dart to me but then she’d quickly look away, it made me want to laugh at how juvenile it all was and the fact that she had some ice cream stuck on her bottom lip. I tried to look bored and angry to hide the fact that I was enjoying this immensely. I was secretly happy they all set it up, just like old times. Mr. Lesage said something and left, I didn’t know what because I was too busy observing Mickey, and her full lips, unlike Laura and Ali’s thin ones. I wondered what it would be like to kiss those lips, not just a peck but to actually kiss them for real, the way I often dreamed I would. June said something about helping mom and dad, leaving us as well. This was getting better and better by the second. Mickey licked her lips, removing all traces of the ice cream. An action that turned me on and she wasn’t even trying. I’d never once felt turned on by Megan, Ali or Laura, and boy, did they try. How could one little tongue movement make me more turned on than anything ever? I felt my hormones kicking in and it felt weird, like I had to do something to get her attention.

  “We’ve been set up,” Mickey accused, looking angry. She looked so cute when she got angry, her bottom lip pouted, her eyes got all fierce and her eyebrows creased.

  “Yep, I’m surprised they didn’t do it sooner. Two years is long to wait,” I told her, trying to sound bored as I crossed my arms, hoping she’d notice the muscles and how visible they were instead of invisible as they used to be.

  “It hasn’t been two years,” she said oblivious to my arms, looking annoyed, that hurt even more. Did it not seem that long to her? Had she moved on so easily? I was about to get very depressed but then she corrected me, catching me off-guard. Mickey surprised me, she knew how long it had been down to the exact month. She counts, does that mean she misses me as much as I miss her? I hoped so.

  She asked about me being with Laura, trying to sound casual but she looked a little pissed. Are you jealous? I thought hopeful but I knew Mickey didn’t get jealous. Great, now she thought I was low for dating Laura, I didn’t even like Laura so I guess it was kind of low of me to ruin her friendship with Ali. I was trying to be a jerk when I made that comment about her eating her ice cream, I felt bad after I said it, but it wasn’t like I could take it back, I was committed. Mickey rightfully threw her ice cream bowl at me, it landed with a cold splat across my chest. I could see her mentally slapping me, as a fire blazed in her aqua-earth eyes, strong and powerful but mostly sad, they glazed over with tears all shiny as they crawled down her face and fell onto the floor, each one bigger than the one before.

  “Why did you have to change?” she asked, her soft voice cracking as she continued to cry. I felt horrible, even worse after what she said next, “I loved you.” It was just a whisper but I still heard it and it shook me hard. She left me alone with these words repeating themselves over and over
, getting louder and louder like a broken record. She passed me again with her dad, he said bye to me but I didn’t answer, I had mentally checked out. I turned and watched her as she wiped at her tears with a napkin. I knew, I was a terrible person but it seemed to be just getting worse.

  “What did you do?” dad asked, sounding more than angry. I didn’t answer still in shock, she loved me. She had said it a few times before but she always made it sound casual or jokingly, like it was nothing more than friendship, I never knew she actually loved me. “James!” dad warned.

  “I asked her if she was sure she should eat all of this,” I explained, pointing at my ice cream covered shirt and now jeans. Mom gasped horror-struck along with June, dad merely gulped.